I...don't...know...what...to...say.
Sharknado 3 was...to say ridiculous is an understatement. What it was...okay, let me start at the beginning.
The movies opens with Finn going to the White House to accept the National Medal of Honor for defeating not one, but two sharknados, and also is inducted as the first member of the Loyal Order of the Golden Chainsaw which comes with an actual functioning golden chainsaw, and you'd better believe that it comes in handy more than once. Of course, in the middle of the ceremony, a sharknado hits Washington, D.C. scooping up sharks from the Potomac River(if you're thinking "The Potomac River is freshwater, there are no sharks in there" you are thinking way too hard and you need to turn your brain down for this one). Sharks proceed to attack everyone in the capitol and Finn fights them off with Presidet Mark Cuban who actually kicks ass pretty hard. The best part is when a secret service agent says "This is the most secure room in the world" then opens it and is immediately attacked by a shark from inside said room. The worst part is that Ann Coulter plays the Vice President and despite how much I was looking forward to her dying a horrible death which she deserves more than anyone who has ever been in Sharknado or ever will be, she manages to survive unharmed.
And that was just the intro to the movie.
After the opening credits we cut to April in Orlando at Universal Studios. She is now pregnant with her third child by Finn, but more importantly, she has a prosthetic hand that she wears a black glove over so that mostly nobody has to worry about her having lost it in the second movie, but it is definitely artificial because it also conceals a mini-chainsaw. Let me repeat that because it bears repeating and is actually very relevant, Tara Reid's April Wexler Sheppard has a miniature chainsaw hidden inside her prosthetic left arm, just in case a sharknado hits, she wants to be prepared to fight. A shark falls from the sky and lands in the pool at the hotel, warning April of what is to come. Daughter Claudia is at Universal Studios, whose best known attraction is Jaws(totally not a coincidence) and in the least believable part of the entire movie, the teenage girl accidentally leaves behind her phone. Really? I can take sharks in tornadoes, but a teenage girl forgetting her phone? Yeah right.
Meanwhile, Finn starts driving south from D.C. to Orlando and is waylaid in South Carolina by yet another sharknado, saved by...Nova! Yes, the hot sexy bikini babe from the original, M.I.A. in the second, has now become a storm chaser, specifically chasing sharknadoes with the help of Frankie Muniz. Together they have been studying sharks from the sharknadoes and determined that they aren't just being sucked up into the sky by the storm, they're actually thriving in the clouds eating birds and ice crystals. The road has been destroyed and they have to make a detour to a military base where they plan to take a fighter plane to Orlando. Another sharknado hits the base and Muniz sacrifices himself to save everyone by hitting his trailer's self-destruct button. Wait, let me set up the drama, as he reaches his trailer, a flying shark bite off one leg, and he hops into the trailer, a second flying shark bites off his left arm as he enters the door, he climbs up to the roof, because of course the button is on top of the damn thing where he has another chance to be bitten by sharks, loses his other leg dragging himself across the roof with one hand like Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith, then just as he is about to press the button, his right arm, his last remaining limb, is bitten off by yet another shark and he worms his way up to the button and presses it with his chin.
Meanwhile, Finn and Nova fly south and crash land in a lagoon. By the miracle of Syfy plot convenience, it happens to be in Universal Studios and Finn promptly begins searching for his family following a tracking app to the roller coaster where his daughter left her phone. Of course she's not there, but April is, having also tracked her phone so they are reunited. Unfortunately, there is a shark on the roller coaster which rolls up not once, not twice, but three times before it finally eats Chris Jericho and causes the cart to start rolling down the track with Finn stuck on it. Why they use those three rolls to get into the worst possible positions instead of getting down from the roller coaster, I don't know. Anyway, Finn is flung into another attraction where he kills a shark in front of an impressed audience and then is finally reunited with his family who have managed to gather coincidentally right outside this particular attraction.
But wait, there's more, it's not over yet. The sharknado is becoming a sharkicane(a really, really big sharknado) and the only way to stop it is to form a towering inferno, which they believe they can accomplish with help from Finn's astronaut father Gil. Yes, Finn and Gil. And he's played by David Hasselhoff. I probably could hae just said David Hasselhoff is in this and that would have been enough. They are going to use the last space shuttle at Cape Canaveral to unleash a blast from the rockets to diffuse the sharkicane. When that fails, Gil has to go out and manually operate a secret war satellite to blast the sharkicane with a laser. Oh, but there is still more. The resulting explosion launches sharks into space where they attack the shuttle, and Finn fights them off with a laser chainsaw(yes, you read that right) and one eats April whole. Finn jumps into a shark's mouth, presumably the same shark, but really not, and they fall through the atmosphere, protected from the heat by the shark's burning bodies and land back on Earth safely only a few feet apart from each other.
Now here's the big finale:
April uses her cyberhand chainsaw to cut through the shark, then hands out her baby that she gave birth to on the way down from space inside the shark out through this hole she just cut giving her newborn son to Finn through the shark's body, then emerges herself, still unharmed! Don't clap yet though, the big twist is that Finn notices that he has lost the wing pin his father gave him to give to their son and April notices it and walks over to pick it up and a piece of the shuttle falls from the sky hurtling towards her and...her fate will be revealed in Sharknado 4! #AprilLives
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