Sharknado

It's a tornado made of sharks! That's really all you need to know about the most awesomely bad movie franchise ever that will air it's third installment this Wednesday on Syfy. Really, it's that simple, if you can get that, you just shut your brain off for the best mindless entertainment available on basic cable. But if you must know more, here are the synopses for the first two movies, as if you actually need to know what's going on. Before I get started on individual synopses, let's start with what they have in common. Both movies involve a sharknado, presumably the scariest thing a Syfy producer could imagine in which a hurricane scoops a bunch of sharks into the air, then comes inland where the tornado continues to cause destruction while dropping sharks onto the fleeing people where in the last throes of life the sharks eat people, and occasionally fall in water where they actively hunt people. Our hero is Finn Sheppard, played b Ian Ziering, a former marine who desperately tries to save his family by gathering them and taking them further inland where he basically takes down the last of the sharks with a chainsaw. Yup that's about it.

Okay, for specifics to each movie, the first Sharknado has Finn running a bar on the beach in California with a bikini waitress named Nova with a distinct scar on her leg. After surfing one morning, they get to work in the bar and the Sharknado hits, destroying the bar. Finn gets away in his truck along with Nova, his best friend, and one of the bar's regulars. The customer dies valiantly trying to protect Finn and Nova and the two make it into the hills where Finn's ex-wife April, played by Tara Reid, lives with their kids and her new boyfriend. Finn tried to convince them they should leave, but the sharknado catches up and a shark swims into their living room, eats the new boyfriend, and everybody else manages to escape and head further inland looking for Finn's son who is at a military flight camp. More random destruction ensues from wind torn refuse and sharks, the guy who does the voice of Choji on Naruto plays a bus driver who gets taken out with a fragment of the Hollywood sign while Finn saves all the children on the bus. The Sheppard clan manages to find Finn's son where they finally come up with a plan to stop the tornadoes by blowing them up from the inside. Please do not try to figure out how the physics of this plan actually works, it is not worth the aneurysm that you will suffer. Finn's friend dies, but the really awesome finale that must be seen to be believed is when Nova is eaten whole by a shark, then Finn jumps chainsaw first into a shark and cuts his way out and coincidentally, it happens to be the same shark Nova was eaten by and they both emerge safely and unharmed, though covered in shark blood.

Few could imagine that there is any way to top this, but they tried and in my opinion, succeeded. I admit it should not have happened but it did, so let's just accept this and move on with the sheer absurd insanity that is Sharknado 2: the Second One. Yes folks, that is the name they settled on; they had a contest with several awesome names including my personal favorite Sharknado 2: the Sharkening, a nod to Highlander 2: the Quickening arguably the worst sequel before the Sharknado series, but Syfy went minimalist. This sequel picks up with Finn and April going to New York City to promote their book, "The Sharknado Survival Guide" which is an actual book you can get and I have a copy. On their flight in, another Sharknado hits their plane in midair and April tries to shoot at the flying sharks which bites off her left hand which is not only holding the gun but also wearing her engagement ring that she never quite got around to removing after her divorce. Yes, this is some ridiculous shit and you know damn well that shark and the hand are coming back later in the movie, but that is much later, so let's just take our time with the amazing, totally unbelievable bullshit that happens in between. First April is taken to a hospital where she's treated for her shark bite/amputation. April pulls through and she's fine other than losing her hand. Meanwhile, she and Finn know the drill and prepare to protect everyone form the sharknado. For a film with a thin plot, it gets padded with cameos and random shark attacks, which are actually quite entertaining to the target audience, because let's face it, if you tuned in, this is what you wanted to see. The film truly surpasses it's predecessor for three specific reasons. #1. Vivica A. Fox fights sharks with a sword. I don't really know why it happened, Finn suggested collecting weapons and Vivica finds a sword in one shop then proceeds to slash at flying sharks with it to defend Finn while he prepares his tornado stopping bomb. I am a sucker for swords so I don't really care if it was the dumbest part of the movie, it was also the most awesome scene ever. #2. Finn jumps into the sharknado with a chainsaw and takes on multiple sharks while flying through the storm. I wasn't sure that they could top the iconic scene from the first movie, but they found a way by just making more of everything, more sharks, more tornado, more chainsaw, more Finn. This was an insane scene but bravo to Syfy for having the balls to do it. #3. the resolution to April's lost hand becomes the ultimate unlikely show of deus ex machine ever: April attaches a small buzz saw to her stump and uses the makeshift prosthetic hand to protect Finn from a flying shark while Finn prepares his last stand, then another shark flies at them while they are on top of the Empire State building, the last shark after the sharknado has been stopped by Finn's explosives, and Finn looks down to see that the shark April took down with her buzz saw is the one that bit her hand off and the hand is still in the shark's mouth with the ring and gun, Finn picks up the hand, uses the gun to shoot down the last shark and then reproposes to April with the ring while discarding her severed hand! You can not make that shit up!

I am not sure exactly what this next one has in store, but I know this, they will be in Washington D.C. the sharks will be attacking politicians, PLAYED BY ACTUAL POLITICIANS, and David Hasselhoff is in it. Bring. It. On.