Next week is Roc Con, Rochester's Comic Con. I will be busy for a while due to the con and some other things so I'm afraid I won't have anything to add to this blog for a while. I do intend to resume again when things slow down, I just don't know when that will be. I will be selling my new book Red Ellen, as well as my classic, 7th Moon, but I'm really looking forward to Todd Haberkorn. Yes, Natsu Dragneel/Death the Kid/Ling Yao/Italy is going to be in Rochester for our little comic conventin and I can't wait to see him. I will be asking him for an autograph, giving him a book, and maybe, if I can work it right, I will share with him a slice of...PIZZA! If I do, I promise to share a photo.
Stay gold Toonami Faithful!
7th Moon
Friday, September 4, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Scott Pilgrim vs the World, a peek inside my brain
I realized this underappreciated fim is way overdue to be mentioned in my blog. If you have never seen it it will probably make no sense to you, unless you were a nerd who was born in the early 80's and grew up on comics, and video games, in which case Scott Pilgrim vs the World is what you expected life was supposed to be like based on what the media told us about young boys and girls and fantasy battles that defied the very laws of science. Before I can tell you my opinion, I must start with explaining exactly what happens in the movie based on the graphic novels of the same name.
Scott Pilgrim is a 22-year-old slacker who lives in a tiny house/apartment in Toronto Canada with his gay best friend because relaly, Scott is far too much of a loser to get anyone else to let him live with them. He maintains an incredibly positive attitude, plays guitar for a band called Sex Bob-omb, and dates a groupie named Knives Chau. Then he meets Ramona Flowers and falls madly in love with her and starts dating her, and then things get interesting. Ramona has "Seven Evil Exes" a.k.a."The League of Evil Exes" who come after Scott one by one insisting that he can not date Ramona until he has defeated all of them.
What really makes this interesting is that the fights are all video game style, evil exes has super powers, Scott can use combos and score points, and when Scott wins his opponent turns into coins, just like in the games. The whole movie is live action, except flashbacks which are done in cartoons the same style as the original graphic novels, and 8-bit graphics and sounds are peppered in as if Scott's entire life were a game. Towards the end, Scott uses an extra life to survive being killed and levels up. This whole thing seems insane, however, for anyone who ever played River Ciy Ransom, Double Dragon, Final Fight, etc. recognizes that this is exactly how life is supposed to work according to Nintendo, Sega, and Capcom. I know that many times I expected that someday I myself would have to prove my love by fighting for my girl, literally, and I may need to know how to properly perform a Hadouken in just such an emergency. It's just the way it was for our digital heroes, it's the way it was supposed to be for us. Alas, there is no cheat, game shark, or Konami Code that actually allowed us to score on a date, so most of us remained alone. But some day, all of us nerds hope to meet our Ramona Flowers and we will find our Power of Self-Respect and draw our flaming swords from our souls in our chests and fight all seven(or however many she has) exes to rescue our princess. At least it worked for Scott.
My personal favorite evil ex is #3 who is a vegan who gets super psychic powers from "not partaking of the milk or ovum of any living creature with a face" because "not eating meat just makes you better than everyone else." The only thing more preposterous than his powers and their origin is how he loses them. Scott tricks him into drinking coffee with actual dairy creamer prompting the vegan police to arrive and note that it is his third strike including a time he ate gelato ("Milk and eggs bitch!") so they have to repeal his powers leaving him vulnerable to Scott. I would also like to note that this ex is played by Brandon Routh, the same actor who played Superman, while evil ex #2 was played by Chris Evans, the same guy who did both the Human Torch in Fantastic Four as well as Captain America, and evil ex #5 is played by Mae Whitman who voiced Katarra in Avatar: The Last Airbender. You gotta give props to Scott for going up against super heroes and winning.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Final Fantasy Legend
This time I will review an unfairly maligned game, Final Fantasy Legend. It's not really that bad, it's just not that good compared to other Final Fantasy games. But there are two good reasons for this, first, it's the first game of it's series and first games, especially back then when everything was new and nobody really knew what they were doing, generally sucked because they needed time to get the kinks out. Second, this game pales next to other Final Fantasy titles because it's not really Final Fantasy, it's Saga, an unrelated series made by the same company, Squaresoft. The mechanics are a little screwy, you make a party of four characters which can be either human, mutant or monster. Humans and mutants can be either male or female, not that it really makes a huge difference, monsters are just whatever. Mutants are arguably the best since they are the only ones who can use spells. Mutants also have innate abilities and can equip weapons and armor like humans, their only drawbacks are that they have four fewer inventory slots reserved for their special abilities and they can't use stat items which only work for humans, but they are also the only type that increase stats all on their own. Monsters can't equip anything, and their stats don't normally increase, but they can transform from eating meat dropped by other monsters at the end of battle and that will increase stats and abilities which makes them the least expensive because they don't really require any real maintenance. Humans basically suck, they can't use magic, they don't have innate abilities that restore with sleep at the inn like mutants and monsters do, and their stats only increase from items which are rather expensive. Also, every attack, weapon, magic, or innate ability, has limited uses. Innate abilities restore automatically, but weapons and spells have to be repurchased and some rare ones need to be used sparingly because of this. Armor lasts forever, but unfortunately monsters can't use them and there are no differentiated slots so your armor will be taking slots that potions or back-up weapons could be in instead.
Now the mechanics can be frustrating but once you get used to it, it's all about the story which isn't really that bad. The whole story starts with a dreamer who wants to climb the tower to Paradise, but the door won't open until you find it's mysterious key. A stop by the guild gets you some partners who face the challenge of the three kings. Each king has a relic that must be returned to a statue. The easiest is arguably the King of Armor who will gladly give you his armor if you rescue the woman he loves. The weird part is that the woman is represented by a slime/eye sprite so he's got some weird tastes, and she has apparently been kidnapped by a gang of lizards led by a poison toad, so the story really makes no sense, but completing it will get you the armor. The next step would be the King of Sword who refuses to give it up unless you kill him first. Finally the King of Shield, who will also refuse to give up his shield, but once you have both of the other relics, he will die and his steward will frame you while he runs away with the treasure but after a short chase, you will fight him and claim the final relic which you can return to the Hero Statue which provides you with the Black Sphere and also summons the fiend Gen-bu the Black Turtle who refuses to let you go without a fight.
The Black Sphere lets you enter the tower and you can go up five floors before you hit another locked door and another world. This second world is made up of islands separated by water and the only way to move between them is one tiny magic floating island. Once you get this island, you must look for two orbs each protected by a dragon. The Blue Orb is being held by Ryu-O, (literally, Dragon King) who takes the form of an old man who simply gives you a riddle and if you can come back with the answer he will give you the Blue Orb. So far so good, but the Red Orb is in a sunken shrine where it is guarded by Sei-Ryu, the Azure Dragon who is not as nice as Ryu-O and fights you for it. As it turns out, the two orbs make the Blue Sphere and opens the door which allows you to go another five floors before facing another locked door and another world.
The third world is actually pretty cool, it's all in the clouds, and to get around you will need a glider. It's also actually got it's own real story line, an interesting addition halfway through the game. Byak-ko the White Tiger rules the world as a tyrant and wants the White Sphere. There is a rebel group led by two twin sisters who may actually have the White Sphere. The coolest part of this sub-plot is that instead of the fiend just appearing at the end he actually has an active role in the story. Of course you will defeat Byak-ko after a convoluted chain of events and claim the White Sphere to progress up to the fourth and final world before you enter Paradise.
The fourth world actually has a pretty cool plot too, and also involves the fiend heavily. Su-Zaku the Vermillion Bird terrorizes a post-apocalyptic wasteland and attacks the player almost right away. He is invincible so you can't fight him, he will kill you unless you run. Soon you meet another rebel group of bikers who appear to be the cast of Akira. They will explain that Su-Zaku's invincibility is due to a shield that can be brought down if you can get to an abandoned nuclear power plant and collect the last materials to create an anti-shield that will render Su-Zaku vulnerable. Once you pull this off, Su-Zaku retreats to his "final dungeon" and you can fight him for the Red Sphere just like you fought the other fiends.
Finally this leads you to the final climb to the top floor where you meet Ashura who claims to control the fiends. After you defeat Ashura you fall back to the bottom of the tower and have to start all over. but this time you get to skip all of the extra activities and just fight the fiends, the bad news is you still have to climb the same number of floors which gets very monotonous. At the top you meet the Creator, and he looks familiar. It turns out he's been checking in all along appearing to just be a normal human, but in fact it is, well, God. The real kicker is that everything was just a game to him to amuse himself by seeing how far mortals could make it. You are the first to get all the way to the end and find out the truth. Creator offers access to Paradise, but apparently your party gets pissed for getting yanked around and fights Creator. The ending is extreme, absurd, and fitting for the end of any anime.
One final note, the four fiends are actually the Four Holy Beasts from Asian mythology and represent the four elements, and the spheres correspond to their colors and elements. This made perfect sense in Japan, but sort of got lost in translation. All in all, it's not a terrible game, in fact in parts it's quite good for it's time, but unfortunately in other parts it drags and that probably is why most people don't like it. Personally I think it's worth playing if you can find a cheap copy, but don't go too far out of your way for it.
Now the mechanics can be frustrating but once you get used to it, it's all about the story which isn't really that bad. The whole story starts with a dreamer who wants to climb the tower to Paradise, but the door won't open until you find it's mysterious key. A stop by the guild gets you some partners who face the challenge of the three kings. Each king has a relic that must be returned to a statue. The easiest is arguably the King of Armor who will gladly give you his armor if you rescue the woman he loves. The weird part is that the woman is represented by a slime/eye sprite so he's got some weird tastes, and she has apparently been kidnapped by a gang of lizards led by a poison toad, so the story really makes no sense, but completing it will get you the armor. The next step would be the King of Sword who refuses to give it up unless you kill him first. Finally the King of Shield, who will also refuse to give up his shield, but once you have both of the other relics, he will die and his steward will frame you while he runs away with the treasure but after a short chase, you will fight him and claim the final relic which you can return to the Hero Statue which provides you with the Black Sphere and also summons the fiend Gen-bu the Black Turtle who refuses to let you go without a fight.
The Black Sphere lets you enter the tower and you can go up five floors before you hit another locked door and another world. This second world is made up of islands separated by water and the only way to move between them is one tiny magic floating island. Once you get this island, you must look for two orbs each protected by a dragon. The Blue Orb is being held by Ryu-O, (literally, Dragon King) who takes the form of an old man who simply gives you a riddle and if you can come back with the answer he will give you the Blue Orb. So far so good, but the Red Orb is in a sunken shrine where it is guarded by Sei-Ryu, the Azure Dragon who is not as nice as Ryu-O and fights you for it. As it turns out, the two orbs make the Blue Sphere and opens the door which allows you to go another five floors before facing another locked door and another world.
The third world is actually pretty cool, it's all in the clouds, and to get around you will need a glider. It's also actually got it's own real story line, an interesting addition halfway through the game. Byak-ko the White Tiger rules the world as a tyrant and wants the White Sphere. There is a rebel group led by two twin sisters who may actually have the White Sphere. The coolest part of this sub-plot is that instead of the fiend just appearing at the end he actually has an active role in the story. Of course you will defeat Byak-ko after a convoluted chain of events and claim the White Sphere to progress up to the fourth and final world before you enter Paradise.
The fourth world actually has a pretty cool plot too, and also involves the fiend heavily. Su-Zaku the Vermillion Bird terrorizes a post-apocalyptic wasteland and attacks the player almost right away. He is invincible so you can't fight him, he will kill you unless you run. Soon you meet another rebel group of bikers who appear to be the cast of Akira. They will explain that Su-Zaku's invincibility is due to a shield that can be brought down if you can get to an abandoned nuclear power plant and collect the last materials to create an anti-shield that will render Su-Zaku vulnerable. Once you pull this off, Su-Zaku retreats to his "final dungeon" and you can fight him for the Red Sphere just like you fought the other fiends.
Finally this leads you to the final climb to the top floor where you meet Ashura who claims to control the fiends. After you defeat Ashura you fall back to the bottom of the tower and have to start all over. but this time you get to skip all of the extra activities and just fight the fiends, the bad news is you still have to climb the same number of floors which gets very monotonous. At the top you meet the Creator, and he looks familiar. It turns out he's been checking in all along appearing to just be a normal human, but in fact it is, well, God. The real kicker is that everything was just a game to him to amuse himself by seeing how far mortals could make it. You are the first to get all the way to the end and find out the truth. Creator offers access to Paradise, but apparently your party gets pissed for getting yanked around and fights Creator. The ending is extreme, absurd, and fitting for the end of any anime.
One final note, the four fiends are actually the Four Holy Beasts from Asian mythology and represent the four elements, and the spheres correspond to their colors and elements. This made perfect sense in Japan, but sort of got lost in translation. All in all, it's not a terrible game, in fact in parts it's quite good for it's time, but unfortunately in other parts it drags and that probably is why most people don't like it. Personally I think it's worth playing if you can find a cheap copy, but don't go too far out of your way for it.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Kill La Kill
Kill La Kill wrapped on Toonami a couple weeks ago, but Dragon Ball Z happened so it needed to wait, the Dragon is always number one here. Kill La Kill is definitely one of the most bizarre anime I have ever seen, although once I figured out what was going on I loved it, but you kind of have to be wierd to get it. And by wierd, I mean a nudist or a pervert, or both. There'sactually a group called Nudist Beach that is integral to the story(not just a joke support role, but actually an unavoidable part of the main plot) and they do have a tendency to be naked. In fact, despite the title, it's not really about killing, it's about clothes, or the lack thereof as the case may be.
The story starts with Ryuko Matoi who is ou to avenge her father's death using the weapon that killed him, half of a giant pair of scissors, and by giant I mean the size of a sword. Ryuko goes to Hannouji Academy to seek out her father's killer and discovers a bizzare Hierarchy led by Satsuki Kiryuin, a senior who claims responsibility for Matoi's death. Ryuko can't domuch about it though because standing between her and Satsuki are several loyal students wearign Goku uniforms. Uniforms are the key to the hierachy and in fact clothes are the central plot point of the story; students are ranked by uniform from no star to three stars, each star representing percentage(in increments of ten) of life fibers, a material which allows for incredible power but can be dangerous so while more stars means more power, the 20%-30% range seems to be sort of a breaking point at which normal people shouldn't be wearing them because the risk is too high. No stars would presumably have some life fibers, but not enough to actually grant any notable power. One stars are for those who join a club, the uiforms actually augment abilities relevant to the club to superhuman levels, two stars are reserved for club presidents and are pretty much the same as one stars, only twice as potent. Three stars are the most powerful and there are only five, the Elite Four, Lady Satsuki's favorites, and the leader of the sewing club who makes the Goku uniforms. There is actually one rank higher but extremely rare, the kamui, which are 100% life fibers, only two or three exist, and nobody can wear them without extreme risk to their life. The two stars are enough to hold back Ryuko, forcing her to retreat with help of a No Star by the name of Mako Mankanshoku whose father happens to be a back alley doctor that nurses her back to health. Ryuko goes back to the ruins of her house to apologize to her father(or what's left of him) and finds Senketsu, a kamui made just for her which can speak to her. Senketsu needs blood from Ryuko to function, and by function I mean transform from a navy sailor suit typical of a school girl's uniform into armor that looks impractical(read: covers almost nothing leaving Ryuko nearly naked) yet very effective at beating Goku uniforms.
The first few episodes just run this basic concept of Ryuko fighting various Two Stars who challenge her for the glory and honor of Lady Satsuki, who has a kamui of her own, Junketsu, which appears to be a conservative white suit but can transform into armor which looks just like a white version of Senketsu. Ryuko recieves some guidance from her homeroom teacher, who is in fact the only teacher we ever see, this academy doesn't seem to have a lot of learning going on. Just when the basic plot seems to run out of steam and reach its conclusion, some crazy chick shows up with the other half of Ryuko's scissors and claims she is in fact the one who killed her father. From here we discover the truth of what is actually going on: life fibers are alien parasites, Satsuki's mother is using them to enslave the human race, Satsuki was using the academy to train a resistance group that can use the power of life fibers against her mother, and Ryoko's homeroom teacher is part of another resistance group with the same goal known as Nudist Beach, which was actually started by Ryuko's father, who was in fact the ex-husband of Ragyo Kiryuin and the father of both of her daughters- bombshell, Ryuko and Satsuki are sisters! So to sum up, clothes are evil, we can only overcome them by being nudists, or learning to use them which can only be done properly by Ryuko and Senketsu because Ryuko is partly made fo life fibers herself and Senketsu was actually made with her DNA so they are uniquely like brother and sister in a wierd sort of way. Also, Ryuko's scissor blades are the only weapon that can properly sever life fibers and are therefore the only effective weapon against them. The final episodes are a typical world representing hero versus world destroying villain and we know how that usually goes. However, it is still worth watching because this one involves naked people, lots of them. They don't really show anything naughty, but it's still hilarious to see the enitre cast naked at various points in the story, especially when Ragyo first reveals herself and the evil clothes take over for a while and the only survivors of the clothing apocalypse are Nudist Beach who wear only utility belts that strategically cover just enough to satisfy the censors. Really, the whole thing comes down to gratuitous nudity and a bizzare philosphy that justifies it, or as we otaku call it, fan service. I leave you now with Ryuko's ass-kicking theme music.
The story starts with Ryuko Matoi who is ou to avenge her father's death using the weapon that killed him, half of a giant pair of scissors, and by giant I mean the size of a sword. Ryuko goes to Hannouji Academy to seek out her father's killer and discovers a bizzare Hierarchy led by Satsuki Kiryuin, a senior who claims responsibility for Matoi's death. Ryuko can't domuch about it though because standing between her and Satsuki are several loyal students wearign Goku uniforms. Uniforms are the key to the hierachy and in fact clothes are the central plot point of the story; students are ranked by uniform from no star to three stars, each star representing percentage(in increments of ten) of life fibers, a material which allows for incredible power but can be dangerous so while more stars means more power, the 20%-30% range seems to be sort of a breaking point at which normal people shouldn't be wearing them because the risk is too high. No stars would presumably have some life fibers, but not enough to actually grant any notable power. One stars are for those who join a club, the uiforms actually augment abilities relevant to the club to superhuman levels, two stars are reserved for club presidents and are pretty much the same as one stars, only twice as potent. Three stars are the most powerful and there are only five, the Elite Four, Lady Satsuki's favorites, and the leader of the sewing club who makes the Goku uniforms. There is actually one rank higher but extremely rare, the kamui, which are 100% life fibers, only two or three exist, and nobody can wear them without extreme risk to their life. The two stars are enough to hold back Ryuko, forcing her to retreat with help of a No Star by the name of Mako Mankanshoku whose father happens to be a back alley doctor that nurses her back to health. Ryuko goes back to the ruins of her house to apologize to her father(or what's left of him) and finds Senketsu, a kamui made just for her which can speak to her. Senketsu needs blood from Ryuko to function, and by function I mean transform from a navy sailor suit typical of a school girl's uniform into armor that looks impractical(read: covers almost nothing leaving Ryuko nearly naked) yet very effective at beating Goku uniforms.
The first few episodes just run this basic concept of Ryuko fighting various Two Stars who challenge her for the glory and honor of Lady Satsuki, who has a kamui of her own, Junketsu, which appears to be a conservative white suit but can transform into armor which looks just like a white version of Senketsu. Ryuko recieves some guidance from her homeroom teacher, who is in fact the only teacher we ever see, this academy doesn't seem to have a lot of learning going on. Just when the basic plot seems to run out of steam and reach its conclusion, some crazy chick shows up with the other half of Ryuko's scissors and claims she is in fact the one who killed her father. From here we discover the truth of what is actually going on: life fibers are alien parasites, Satsuki's mother is using them to enslave the human race, Satsuki was using the academy to train a resistance group that can use the power of life fibers against her mother, and Ryoko's homeroom teacher is part of another resistance group with the same goal known as Nudist Beach, which was actually started by Ryuko's father, who was in fact the ex-husband of Ragyo Kiryuin and the father of both of her daughters- bombshell, Ryuko and Satsuki are sisters! So to sum up, clothes are evil, we can only overcome them by being nudists, or learning to use them which can only be done properly by Ryuko and Senketsu because Ryuko is partly made fo life fibers herself and Senketsu was actually made with her DNA so they are uniquely like brother and sister in a wierd sort of way. Also, Ryuko's scissor blades are the only weapon that can properly sever life fibers and are therefore the only effective weapon against them. The final episodes are a typical world representing hero versus world destroying villain and we know how that usually goes. However, it is still worth watching because this one involves naked people, lots of them. They don't really show anything naughty, but it's still hilarious to see the enitre cast naked at various points in the story, especially when Ragyo first reveals herself and the evil clothes take over for a while and the only survivors of the clothing apocalypse are Nudist Beach who wear only utility belts that strategically cover just enough to satisfy the censors. Really, the whole thing comes down to gratuitous nudity and a bizzare philosphy that justifies it, or as we otaku call it, fan service. I leave you now with Ryuko's ass-kicking theme music.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Dragon Ball Z Resurrection F
The scene opens with a field of flowers, cute stuffed animals form a marching band while fairies sing along and dance in the air around a tree where a cocoon hangs. the cocoon turns around and a familiar face is poking out. Frieza, once the most fearsome tyrant in the universe, is now helpless to escape the annoyance of the eternal cheer of these saccharine sweeties in Hell. Yes, this is Earth's Hell, the wicked are forced to sit through an eternity of infantile mirth with absolutely no way to escape. And so begins Dragon Ball Z Resurrection F.
Meanwhile, in the world of the living, Frieza's army, or at least what's left of it, is lead by Sorbet who is the highest ranking living officer. There were many ahead of him in line, but they all died on Namek. Since then, Sorbet has been searching for the dragon balls to revive Frieza, primarily looking for the Namekians because he's too terrified of Goku and Vegeta to go after the ones on Earth. Finally, after many years, Sorbet is desperate and risks visiting Earth to collect the dragon balls and wish for Frieza to come back to life. This scene brings up a few inconsistencies, first Shenron points out that Frieza was chopped up and bringing him back to life will leave him with a damaged body, yet both Krillin and Chiaotzu had been disintegrated and Shenron brought them back without any trouble, so I guess Shenron just tried harder with them. Second, Shenron bringsup that he can grant a second wish because Dende improved him, but in the previous movie he only granted one wish, I guess Beerus must have scared him so much he forgot. Anyway the second wish is squandered by Shu on a million zeni, which is a good wish, but you think they would have wished to be adult again or Sorbet could have wished for Frieza to be whole, but no, they just drop some cash and leave everyone to finish their business the hard way.
Six months later, Frieza has trained, gotten stronger and returns to Earth to seek vengeance upon Goku and Trunks, not that he has any idea how to find Trunks(BTW, that version is in the future so they'll never find him). Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Tienshihan and Master Roshi are presently responsible for defending Earth against Frieza's army, which they pull off quite well, despite being outnumbered by about two hundred to one. Yamcha and Chiaotzu are left out because Tienshihan thinks this battle is out of their league, and Gohan feels about the same way about Goten and Trunks. Android 18 is staying home with her daughter Maron. I don't know why Majin Buu is staying out of this, they mention him but he never shows up.
Oh and they are also being assisted by Jaco the Intergalactic Patrolman. Who is Jaco you might ask? Funny story, Akira Toriyama recently did a short series about Jaco who comes to Earth to save us from an alien invasion but gets sidetracked by a young girl named Tights. At the end of the series we find out that Tights is Bulma's older sister and the alien invasion was actually the arrival of Goku which Jaco missed because he was busy with Tights and fortunately Gohan took care of the situation. Jaco has since considered the mission complete and has been working elsewhere until now. He is a bit of a coward but can hold his own with the others.
Goku and Vegeta are absent because they are across the universe training with Whis and Beerus who they bribed with pizza. It is worth noting that at this point Earth only continues to exist because the God of Destruction is being bribed with junk food. Bulma uses a strawberry sundae to get Whis's attention and Goku and Vegeta arrive in time to fight Frieza. Goku takes his turn first and the battle is pretty epic. And then they transform, Goku goes Super Saiyan God 2, a form that is basically Super Saiyan God, except no need for other Saiyans and hair turns blue instead of red. Frieza also has a new form, Golden Frieza. the fight continues and it's bigger and badder than anything we've ever seen before. Then Goku gets cocky and tries to let Frieza go, but Sorbet shoots Goku and brings him within an inch of his life. He gets a senzu bean and hands off the battle to Vegeta, who turns out to have also pulled off the new Super Saiyan God form and beats Frieza without mercy. Frieza pulls his old "I'll just destroy the whole planet!" last ditch effort. Whis protects the himself and the others at the battlefield within a protective shield, then after Goku realizes he was a fool, Whis rewinds time by three minutes and gives Goku a chance to kill Frieza before he blows up the planet.
After the story wraps and the credits roll, we see Hell again, and the cute little imps smile at Frieza back in his cocoon, "Welcome home!"
This movie was awesome, but it only runs this week, so if you don't have your tickets, get them now!
Meanwhile, in the world of the living, Frieza's army, or at least what's left of it, is lead by Sorbet who is the highest ranking living officer. There were many ahead of him in line, but they all died on Namek. Since then, Sorbet has been searching for the dragon balls to revive Frieza, primarily looking for the Namekians because he's too terrified of Goku and Vegeta to go after the ones on Earth. Finally, after many years, Sorbet is desperate and risks visiting Earth to collect the dragon balls and wish for Frieza to come back to life. This scene brings up a few inconsistencies, first Shenron points out that Frieza was chopped up and bringing him back to life will leave him with a damaged body, yet both Krillin and Chiaotzu had been disintegrated and Shenron brought them back without any trouble, so I guess Shenron just tried harder with them. Second, Shenron bringsup that he can grant a second wish because Dende improved him, but in the previous movie he only granted one wish, I guess Beerus must have scared him so much he forgot. Anyway the second wish is squandered by Shu on a million zeni, which is a good wish, but you think they would have wished to be adult again or Sorbet could have wished for Frieza to be whole, but no, they just drop some cash and leave everyone to finish their business the hard way.
Six months later, Frieza has trained, gotten stronger and returns to Earth to seek vengeance upon Goku and Trunks, not that he has any idea how to find Trunks(BTW, that version is in the future so they'll never find him). Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Tienshihan and Master Roshi are presently responsible for defending Earth against Frieza's army, which they pull off quite well, despite being outnumbered by about two hundred to one. Yamcha and Chiaotzu are left out because Tienshihan thinks this battle is out of their league, and Gohan feels about the same way about Goten and Trunks. Android 18 is staying home with her daughter Maron. I don't know why Majin Buu is staying out of this, they mention him but he never shows up.
Oh and they are also being assisted by Jaco the Intergalactic Patrolman. Who is Jaco you might ask? Funny story, Akira Toriyama recently did a short series about Jaco who comes to Earth to save us from an alien invasion but gets sidetracked by a young girl named Tights. At the end of the series we find out that Tights is Bulma's older sister and the alien invasion was actually the arrival of Goku which Jaco missed because he was busy with Tights and fortunately Gohan took care of the situation. Jaco has since considered the mission complete and has been working elsewhere until now. He is a bit of a coward but can hold his own with the others.
Goku and Vegeta are absent because they are across the universe training with Whis and Beerus who they bribed with pizza. It is worth noting that at this point Earth only continues to exist because the God of Destruction is being bribed with junk food. Bulma uses a strawberry sundae to get Whis's attention and Goku and Vegeta arrive in time to fight Frieza. Goku takes his turn first and the battle is pretty epic. And then they transform, Goku goes Super Saiyan God 2, a form that is basically Super Saiyan God, except no need for other Saiyans and hair turns blue instead of red. Frieza also has a new form, Golden Frieza. the fight continues and it's bigger and badder than anything we've ever seen before. Then Goku gets cocky and tries to let Frieza go, but Sorbet shoots Goku and brings him within an inch of his life. He gets a senzu bean and hands off the battle to Vegeta, who turns out to have also pulled off the new Super Saiyan God form and beats Frieza without mercy. Frieza pulls his old "I'll just destroy the whole planet!" last ditch effort. Whis protects the himself and the others at the battlefield within a protective shield, then after Goku realizes he was a fool, Whis rewinds time by three minutes and gives Goku a chance to kill Frieza before he blows up the planet.
After the story wraps and the credits roll, we see Hell again, and the cute little imps smile at Frieza back in his cocoon, "Welcome home!"
This movie was awesome, but it only runs this week, so if you don't have your tickets, get them now!
Friday, July 31, 2015
Lavalantula
Every year Syfy airs a new Sharknado, and following shortly after, and getting promoted like crazy durign Sharknado, is some other premiere of a Syfy monster flick. The first year had Ghost Shark, a promising yet middling movie about a shark that dies and comes back as a ghost that can attack anywhere there is water, and I mean anywhere. They literally pad the movie with every form of water you can imagine and someone being attacked by a shark from it. Some of it is so half-assed they don't even give any more context than "somewhere in town, there's water, and the shark killed somebody". Within minutes one guy gets killed while fixing pipes under his sink and a kid gets eaten in his slip and slide and the scenes are not revisited, so basically they died just to prove that the shark could do it. The second year we got Sharktopus vs Pteracuda, the sequel to Sharktopus in which someone combined a shark and an octopus to create an animal with the head of a shark so it can bite people, but just behind the gills it's an octopus so it can climb up on land and grab people to feed itself. the monster was killed in the first one, but it managed to produce offspring which was raised in the second one in an aquarium to be like a trained whale or dolphin. Meanwhile, te world of science fals to learn it's lesson and tries the hybrid game again by adding pteradactyl DNA to a barracuda in an attempt to create a living military weapon, and of course it goes out of control. Decidedly the trained sharktopus is the only thing that can stop the pteracuda. Of course that works out great...NOT! Conan O'Brien gets killed in a thankless cameo that says "sorry we didn't fit you in Sharknado."
This year the double feature was Lavalantula, which they actually started promoting the year before. It starred Steve Guttenberg and most of the cast of Police Academy, which I assume was Syfy's way of saying "See, even we don't take ourselves seriously anymore." Steve Guttenberg plays an action star and is in surprisingly good shape for his age, or he had an awesome body double for his shirtless scenes. The movie opens with him starrign in a movie which turns out to be about giant cockroaches and he storms out saying he doesn't want to do a bug movie, besides he wants to take his son to a baseball game. Within minutes the Santa Monica hills erupt into volcanoes and ginat fire breathing spiders start attacking. Yes, in case you couldn't guess from the title, this is the gst of Lavalantula, fire breathing spiders. Somehow Guttenberg's antics tie in the news with the cty being burned by man-sized arachnids as we see on the news feeds several times throughout the show. His son was bicycling with friends until the spiders bite his prospective girlfriend and they run for their lives. Guttenberg desperately rushes to rescue his family and discovers that the lavalantulas are nesting in underground lava tubes mapped out by a geologist he finds at the La Brea Tar Pit. This was probably the lowest point in the movie as even the scientist admits he doesn't know why he's still there, offering gems like "Like, it's a hive" and "the Mayans called them Lavalantulas"(no they didn't). The high point was Ian Ziering's cameo in which he says "love to help you but I have a shark problem". Meanwhile, the girl who got bitten by a lavalantula turns out to have been infected with eggs and a swarm of baby lavalntulas eat her from the inside, then pour out of her mouth and kill the other friend leaving Guttenberg's son as the last kid standing. Seriously, the plot armor in this movie is amazing as literally everybody else dies around this family and they manage to survive unscathed. The ending involves excessive use of liquid nitrogen to take down the queen lavalantula.
In a world without Sharknado, Lavalantula might have been the king with promises of a sequel, but sadly for this movie, this is a world with not one, but three Sharknados, so Lavalantula doesn't quite make it. But, it's good for a cheap laugh. Maybe, one day, Lavalntual vs Sharknado, but alas, not now.
This year the double feature was Lavalantula, which they actually started promoting the year before. It starred Steve Guttenberg and most of the cast of Police Academy, which I assume was Syfy's way of saying "See, even we don't take ourselves seriously anymore." Steve Guttenberg plays an action star and is in surprisingly good shape for his age, or he had an awesome body double for his shirtless scenes. The movie opens with him starrign in a movie which turns out to be about giant cockroaches and he storms out saying he doesn't want to do a bug movie, besides he wants to take his son to a baseball game. Within minutes the Santa Monica hills erupt into volcanoes and ginat fire breathing spiders start attacking. Yes, in case you couldn't guess from the title, this is the gst of Lavalantula, fire breathing spiders. Somehow Guttenberg's antics tie in the news with the cty being burned by man-sized arachnids as we see on the news feeds several times throughout the show. His son was bicycling with friends until the spiders bite his prospective girlfriend and they run for their lives. Guttenberg desperately rushes to rescue his family and discovers that the lavalantulas are nesting in underground lava tubes mapped out by a geologist he finds at the La Brea Tar Pit. This was probably the lowest point in the movie as even the scientist admits he doesn't know why he's still there, offering gems like "Like, it's a hive" and "the Mayans called them Lavalantulas"(no they didn't). The high point was Ian Ziering's cameo in which he says "love to help you but I have a shark problem". Meanwhile, the girl who got bitten by a lavalantula turns out to have been infected with eggs and a swarm of baby lavalntulas eat her from the inside, then pour out of her mouth and kill the other friend leaving Guttenberg's son as the last kid standing. Seriously, the plot armor in this movie is amazing as literally everybody else dies around this family and they manage to survive unscathed. The ending involves excessive use of liquid nitrogen to take down the queen lavalantula.
In a world without Sharknado, Lavalantula might have been the king with promises of a sequel, but sadly for this movie, this is a world with not one, but three Sharknados, so Lavalantula doesn't quite make it. But, it's good for a cheap laugh. Maybe, one day, Lavalntual vs Sharknado, but alas, not now.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
I...don't...know...what...to...say.
Sharknado 3 was...to say ridiculous is an understatement. What it was...okay, let me start at the beginning.
The movies opens with Finn going to the White House to accept the National Medal of Honor for defeating not one, but two sharknados, and also is inducted as the first member of the Loyal Order of the Golden Chainsaw which comes with an actual functioning golden chainsaw, and you'd better believe that it comes in handy more than once. Of course, in the middle of the ceremony, a sharknado hits Washington, D.C. scooping up sharks from the Potomac River(if you're thinking "The Potomac River is freshwater, there are no sharks in there" you are thinking way too hard and you need to turn your brain down for this one). Sharks proceed to attack everyone in the capitol and Finn fights them off with Presidet Mark Cuban who actually kicks ass pretty hard. The best part is when a secret service agent says "This is the most secure room in the world" then opens it and is immediately attacked by a shark from inside said room. The worst part is that Ann Coulter plays the Vice President and despite how much I was looking forward to her dying a horrible death which she deserves more than anyone who has ever been in Sharknado or ever will be, she manages to survive unharmed.
And that was just the intro to the movie.
After the opening credits we cut to April in Orlando at Universal Studios. She is now pregnant with her third child by Finn, but more importantly, she has a prosthetic hand that she wears a black glove over so that mostly nobody has to worry about her having lost it in the second movie, but it is definitely artificial because it also conceals a mini-chainsaw. Let me repeat that because it bears repeating and is actually very relevant, Tara Reid's April Wexler Sheppard has a miniature chainsaw hidden inside her prosthetic left arm, just in case a sharknado hits, she wants to be prepared to fight. A shark falls from the sky and lands in the pool at the hotel, warning April of what is to come. Daughter Claudia is at Universal Studios, whose best known attraction is Jaws(totally not a coincidence) and in the least believable part of the entire movie, the teenage girl accidentally leaves behind her phone. Really? I can take sharks in tornadoes, but a teenage girl forgetting her phone? Yeah right.
Meanwhile, Finn starts driving south from D.C. to Orlando and is waylaid in South Carolina by yet another sharknado, saved by...Nova! Yes, the hot sexy bikini babe from the original, M.I.A. in the second, has now become a storm chaser, specifically chasing sharknadoes with the help of Frankie Muniz. Together they have been studying sharks from the sharknadoes and determined that they aren't just being sucked up into the sky by the storm, they're actually thriving in the clouds eating birds and ice crystals. The road has been destroyed and they have to make a detour to a military base where they plan to take a fighter plane to Orlando. Another sharknado hits the base and Muniz sacrifices himself to save everyone by hitting his trailer's self-destruct button. Wait, let me set up the drama, as he reaches his trailer, a flying shark bite off one leg, and he hops into the trailer, a second flying shark bites off his left arm as he enters the door, he climbs up to the roof, because of course the button is on top of the damn thing where he has another chance to be bitten by sharks, loses his other leg dragging himself across the roof with one hand like Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith, then just as he is about to press the button, his right arm, his last remaining limb, is bitten off by yet another shark and he worms his way up to the button and presses it with his chin.
Meanwhile, Finn and Nova fly south and crash land in a lagoon. By the miracle of Syfy plot convenience, it happens to be in Universal Studios and Finn promptly begins searching for his family following a tracking app to the roller coaster where his daughter left her phone. Of course she's not there, but April is, having also tracked her phone so they are reunited. Unfortunately, there is a shark on the roller coaster which rolls up not once, not twice, but three times before it finally eats Chris Jericho and causes the cart to start rolling down the track with Finn stuck on it. Why they use those three rolls to get into the worst possible positions instead of getting down from the roller coaster, I don't know. Anyway, Finn is flung into another attraction where he kills a shark in front of an impressed audience and then is finally reunited with his family who have managed to gather coincidentally right outside this particular attraction.
But wait, there's more, it's not over yet. The sharknado is becoming a sharkicane(a really, really big sharknado) and the only way to stop it is to form a towering inferno, which they believe they can accomplish with help from Finn's astronaut father Gil. Yes, Finn and Gil. And he's played by David Hasselhoff. I probably could hae just said David Hasselhoff is in this and that would have been enough. They are going to use the last space shuttle at Cape Canaveral to unleash a blast from the rockets to diffuse the sharkicane. When that fails, Gil has to go out and manually operate a secret war satellite to blast the sharkicane with a laser. Oh, but there is still more. The resulting explosion launches sharks into space where they attack the shuttle, and Finn fights them off with a laser chainsaw(yes, you read that right) and one eats April whole. Finn jumps into a shark's mouth, presumably the same shark, but really not, and they fall through the atmosphere, protected from the heat by the shark's burning bodies and land back on Earth safely only a few feet apart from each other.
Now here's the big finale:
April uses her cyberhand chainsaw to cut through the shark, then hands out her baby that she gave birth to on the way down from space inside the shark out through this hole she just cut giving her newborn son to Finn through the shark's body, then emerges herself, still unharmed! Don't clap yet though, the big twist is that Finn notices that he has lost the wing pin his father gave him to give to their son and April notices it and walks over to pick it up and a piece of the shuttle falls from the sky hurtling towards her and...her fate will be revealed in Sharknado 4! #AprilLives
Sharknado 3 was...to say ridiculous is an understatement. What it was...okay, let me start at the beginning.
The movies opens with Finn going to the White House to accept the National Medal of Honor for defeating not one, but two sharknados, and also is inducted as the first member of the Loyal Order of the Golden Chainsaw which comes with an actual functioning golden chainsaw, and you'd better believe that it comes in handy more than once. Of course, in the middle of the ceremony, a sharknado hits Washington, D.C. scooping up sharks from the Potomac River(if you're thinking "The Potomac River is freshwater, there are no sharks in there" you are thinking way too hard and you need to turn your brain down for this one). Sharks proceed to attack everyone in the capitol and Finn fights them off with Presidet Mark Cuban who actually kicks ass pretty hard. The best part is when a secret service agent says "This is the most secure room in the world" then opens it and is immediately attacked by a shark from inside said room. The worst part is that Ann Coulter plays the Vice President and despite how much I was looking forward to her dying a horrible death which she deserves more than anyone who has ever been in Sharknado or ever will be, she manages to survive unharmed.
And that was just the intro to the movie.
After the opening credits we cut to April in Orlando at Universal Studios. She is now pregnant with her third child by Finn, but more importantly, she has a prosthetic hand that she wears a black glove over so that mostly nobody has to worry about her having lost it in the second movie, but it is definitely artificial because it also conceals a mini-chainsaw. Let me repeat that because it bears repeating and is actually very relevant, Tara Reid's April Wexler Sheppard has a miniature chainsaw hidden inside her prosthetic left arm, just in case a sharknado hits, she wants to be prepared to fight. A shark falls from the sky and lands in the pool at the hotel, warning April of what is to come. Daughter Claudia is at Universal Studios, whose best known attraction is Jaws(totally not a coincidence) and in the least believable part of the entire movie, the teenage girl accidentally leaves behind her phone. Really? I can take sharks in tornadoes, but a teenage girl forgetting her phone? Yeah right.
Meanwhile, Finn starts driving south from D.C. to Orlando and is waylaid in South Carolina by yet another sharknado, saved by...Nova! Yes, the hot sexy bikini babe from the original, M.I.A. in the second, has now become a storm chaser, specifically chasing sharknadoes with the help of Frankie Muniz. Together they have been studying sharks from the sharknadoes and determined that they aren't just being sucked up into the sky by the storm, they're actually thriving in the clouds eating birds and ice crystals. The road has been destroyed and they have to make a detour to a military base where they plan to take a fighter plane to Orlando. Another sharknado hits the base and Muniz sacrifices himself to save everyone by hitting his trailer's self-destruct button. Wait, let me set up the drama, as he reaches his trailer, a flying shark bite off one leg, and he hops into the trailer, a second flying shark bites off his left arm as he enters the door, he climbs up to the roof, because of course the button is on top of the damn thing where he has another chance to be bitten by sharks, loses his other leg dragging himself across the roof with one hand like Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith, then just as he is about to press the button, his right arm, his last remaining limb, is bitten off by yet another shark and he worms his way up to the button and presses it with his chin.
Meanwhile, Finn and Nova fly south and crash land in a lagoon. By the miracle of Syfy plot convenience, it happens to be in Universal Studios and Finn promptly begins searching for his family following a tracking app to the roller coaster where his daughter left her phone. Of course she's not there, but April is, having also tracked her phone so they are reunited. Unfortunately, there is a shark on the roller coaster which rolls up not once, not twice, but three times before it finally eats Chris Jericho and causes the cart to start rolling down the track with Finn stuck on it. Why they use those three rolls to get into the worst possible positions instead of getting down from the roller coaster, I don't know. Anyway, Finn is flung into another attraction where he kills a shark in front of an impressed audience and then is finally reunited with his family who have managed to gather coincidentally right outside this particular attraction.
But wait, there's more, it's not over yet. The sharknado is becoming a sharkicane(a really, really big sharknado) and the only way to stop it is to form a towering inferno, which they believe they can accomplish with help from Finn's astronaut father Gil. Yes, Finn and Gil. And he's played by David Hasselhoff. I probably could hae just said David Hasselhoff is in this and that would have been enough. They are going to use the last space shuttle at Cape Canaveral to unleash a blast from the rockets to diffuse the sharkicane. When that fails, Gil has to go out and manually operate a secret war satellite to blast the sharkicane with a laser. Oh, but there is still more. The resulting explosion launches sharks into space where they attack the shuttle, and Finn fights them off with a laser chainsaw(yes, you read that right) and one eats April whole. Finn jumps into a shark's mouth, presumably the same shark, but really not, and they fall through the atmosphere, protected from the heat by the shark's burning bodies and land back on Earth safely only a few feet apart from each other.
Now here's the big finale:
April uses her cyberhand chainsaw to cut through the shark, then hands out her baby that she gave birth to on the way down from space inside the shark out through this hole she just cut giving her newborn son to Finn through the shark's body, then emerges herself, still unharmed! Don't clap yet though, the big twist is that Finn notices that he has lost the wing pin his father gave him to give to their son and April notices it and walks over to pick it up and a piece of the shuttle falls from the sky hurtling towards her and...her fate will be revealed in Sharknado 4! #AprilLives
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